StunnaKrypto Self-important, over-dramatic, uninspired.

Freaktana A Major Disappointment

Neive Bellamy Excellent and certainly provocative... If nothing else, the film is a real conversation starter.

Sameer Callahan It really made me laugh, but for some moments I was tearing up because I could relate so much.

MBunge Ay-yi-yi! Dios Mio! This gargantuanly graceless joke of a motion picture makes Latinos look worse than a marathon of those old Speedy Gonzalez cartoons narrated by Charo. If you weren't for building a wall along the southern boarder of the U.S., you will be after watching Carlita's Secret. Watching the lovely and talented Eva Longoria in this excremental epic is like seeing a baby swallow a diamond ring and having to wait for it to come out the other end. You could genetically increase the intelligence of an aardvark, give him the cast of the Jersey Shore to work with, a budget so cheap it could pay half the cost of a hand job from a hook-handed crack whore and your super-aardvark STILL couldn't make movie as bad as this one.Before I even bother with the plot, let me make a few things clear. Outside of Miss Longoria, the actors here don't have enough collective talent to fill up a flea's thimble. I have seen episodes of "Cheaters" that were better directed than this. If you hit someone in the head repeatedly with a rusty metal truncheon and transcribed the sounds they made after every blow, you'd have better dialog than what is spoken here. The set design makes the cheapest tellanovella look like an Oscar winner. There is choreography here so awful it makes Dancing With The Stars look like the Bolshoi Ballet. And the soundtrack…oh, merciful heavens, the soundtrack! Not only is it bad enough to make your ears tear themselves off your head to get away from it, not only it is so loud you care barely hear what any character is saying, not only is it so constant that it feels like you're trapped in some drug-addled teen rave, but it's chock full of awesomely inappropriate rap songs. Over and over does Carlita's Secret try to reach a dramatic high point, only for some rapper throwing the F-word around like confetti to obliterate even the best intentions of these colossal filmmaking failures.The story concerns a young woman named Carlita (Eva Longoria) and her drug-dealing boyfriend Angel (Alain Mora). He brings her along on a deal that goes bad, leading to Carlita taking shelter with another drug dealer and his bi-curious wife. Things jump forward 8 years and Carlita is now a famous night club dancer named Lexus, having adopted the name to hide her identity from both the criminals betrayed by her old boyfriend and from the cops. How being a famous dancer is supposed to fit in with the whole "hiding" stuff is something never considered during production of this debacle. Things start to go wrong for Carlita when the betrayed criminals come sniffing around along with a police detective I call Not Seth MacFarlane because that's exactly what he looks like. There's also another young woman who teams up with Carlita and the movie spends an inordinate amount of time trying to confuse the audience about her agenda, even though a mollusk would figure out the character the second she reappears on screen.That's all the plot I'm going to get into because thinking about is making me want to go to the bathroom. Suffice it to say that there are some people in this world who should never try to tell a story and I think most of them worked on Carlita's Secret.This manifestation of incompetent cinema is so breathtakingly frightful that, by the end, it even manages to make Miss Longoria's bosom look bad. This is as poorly made as anything I've ever seen. Eva Longoria could get buck naked and make out with Felicity Huffman, Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross and Harriet Sansom Harris and that wouldn't Carlita's Secret worth renting. If you think this is any good, you should be ejected from the solar system.

gridoon2018 Usually when you see a video / DVD cover with a picture of a well-known star but a title that you don't recognize, it's a movie made early in their careers before they got famous which gets re-released to capitalize on their current fame, even if sometimes they only play a small part in it. Well, at least in the case of "Carlita's Secret" the cover doesn't lie: Eva Longoria IS the main star of this movie. The script (co-written by three people who have barely worked on anything else) is a complete mess (lamest part: after being witness to a club shootout at a club that results in a cop's death, Carlita (Longoria) changes her name and after a few years no one recognizes her, despite the facts that she looks EXACTLY the same, and she even works as a dancer at the same club!), most of the male characters can barely complete a sentence without the word "f**k" in one of its variations, and what little action there is is amateurish at best, but the film does tick off many of the right Eva Longoria boxes: she dances seductively, she kisses another woman, she wears a bikini, she fires a gun, etc. Plus, her co-star Alejandra Gutierrez (a Playboy Playmate) is a total knockout as well. So not all is lost. ** out of 4.

truefilmfact I saw the movie and spoke to one of the cast members here in LA.It could have been a five star movie if the producer and executive producers would have allowed the director to fully shoot and edit the film as he had envisioned it.The original script was very week when it was given to the director. But the director made it work even though the producers forced him to cut pages and shoot important scenes under an hour. I think all cast members including the director did an outstanding job under the strenuous environment that all had to go through.I was informed by a cast member that the director also functioned as the director of photography for the first week of production and did all the hand-held camera work for the entire film and there is evidence to prove it and yet the producers neglected to give the director co-DP and/or camera operator credit on the final release film. This cast member also told me that the director was willing to edit the film at no cost to the production company but the producers denied him the privilege to edit his film.Also, the use of fowl language gangster rap music in a Latino film especially over well acted dialogue scenes between Eva Longoria and Maria Bravo is of poor taste from the producers and this definitely killed the movie for me. Carlita's Secret was fun to watch and it showed talent in the director and actors. Can't wait to see the director's next movie.

MrUFOman How could I give this movie 10 stars?=)...I WAS IN IT !!, sure thats a lame reason but how many movies have you been in?In response to some of the comments posted to date-This movie was shot on a very low budget,less than a quarter of a million dollars, in defense of the prod. co. they did double the budget from their previous effort,SENORITA JUSTICE(which was shot on video for about 100k)and shot CARLITA'S SECRET on film. I thank them for hiring me and for shooting here in Miami/Ft Laud. We started with a decent script,good casting and a 3 week/18 day shooting schedule.That meant trying to shoot 5 pages of script per day (when most productions shoot 1-3 pages a day)with little room for delay or error...most of what you see in the movie are 1st or 2nd takes,once we got it,we moved on.I think all 3 female leads were great,especially EVA LONGORIA,who is actually as nice a person as she is talented and beautiful,and the movie is entertaining in a "soap opera on crack" sort of way.All the local actors did great too.(totally my opinion) peace,andy sottilare