Steve Nyland (Squonkamatic)
Funny true story -- I am a devotee of absurd cinema fantastica and I swear to god, when I saw an eBay seller offering a Greek made VHS of this film who cited it as "RAREST FILIPINO RAMBO GIANT!" I actually did believe I would be getting a movie about a fourteen foot tall Rambo clone tearing apart the jungle. I simply had to see that, and it was with no small amount of disappointment upon receipt that I realized their "Rambo" wasn't just normal sized, the guy is a shrimp.And not just a shrimp either. A skinny, bony, goofy looking guy who weighs about 95 pounds with his boots on named Samson and who makes Pauly Shore look tough. He wanders into town wearing the remnants of an army uniform made for someone about twice his size. The corrupt local mayor and police chief (wearing a cap that says NBC SPORTS) take an instant dislike to him and decide to run the scruffy looking runt out of town just for the hell of it. Samson won't have anything to do with their bullying before dinnertime, is arrested and subjected to various humiliations that were inspired by The Three Stooges: One guy grabs his nose, twists it, and bonks it with an overhead roundhouse. Another one gives him a wedgie, and a third waves his hand back and forth in front of Samson's nose, which of course makes him follow the waving hand with his eyes while nodding his head before being slapped.Such humiliations cannot go unanswered, and Samson breaks free by shaking an ashtray in their faces and closing a door on another guy's nose. Armed only with his comical over-sized hunting knife that even Richard "Jaws" Kiel would have found cumbersome, he takes to the hills with a pretty young girl in tow to find some decent take-out. His former commander stops by to find out wazzap, and makes it known that Samson was a highly decorated pastry chef who served heroically in Vietnam with the Americans, and is not to be messed with. Seriously. A posse of local ruffians is assembled, armed with M-16 rifles + bazookas, takes off after Samson against the advice of his former commander, and are owned ruthlessly by the scrawny, hapless misfit. The guy isn't just untouchable, he is a juggernaut of unintentional destruction who cannot be stopped, engaging in a personal vendetta once his charming lady friend is inadvertently killed.Samson is played by one Reynaldo Alfredo Hipolito, billed by his stage name "Palito", and who sadly just passed away this spring (April 2010). And had already gone to the Rambo Parody Well with 1984's JOHNNY RAMBO TANGO, which I will now be forced to seek out as well to see if it is even half as good as this marvel of human creativity. He plays his Samson as the proverbial idiot savant who's cheerful, friendly nature leads him into conflict with people who are douchebags at heart. Because he's so scrawny, clumsy, and clueless, nobody takes him seriously and the town bullies all jump at the opportunity to try slapping him around a little. Which he doesn't have a problem with since he can't comprehend why anybody would want to be so mean.It is only when pushed beyond his ability to shrug it off that the body count starts and things begin to get really silly. And in a way which demonstrates an awareness of what made FIRST BLOOD work with audiences, namely our universal enjoyment of watching total jerks getting their just desserts at the hands of the last person in the world whom you would expect it from. There's even a scene where a name brand American action film star makes a cameo appearance to help Samson beat the stuffing out of a bunch of dimwits, and after dusting themselves off he remarks that he mistakenly thought Samson needed the help & goes on his way.And while some of the gags don't work -- which is to be expected in a feature length parody -- NO BLOOD NO SURRENDER is exceedingly well written, utterly hilarious in spots, fascinatingly bizarre throughout, and has a good-natured sense of humor about itself that is quite endearing. The movie totally surprised me, not just by being funny or insightful about the Rambo mythos, but by having a kind of hipness about its subject matter that is one notch up the ladder from what I'm used to seeing in parodies. Sure, they recreate certain scenes from FIRST BLOOD but do it in a way that's delighted to accept the fact they had no money for expensive sets or fancy cinematography, and couldn't have cared less. To praise this film adequately is difficult, but I will say that it's at least as entertaining as THE AMAZING MR. NO LEGS or maybe OPEN SEASON with Peter Fonda, and as successful of a parody as AIRPLANE! in its own little way. Easily on the level of Monty Python, completely unexpected, quite refreshing, and even sillier than all of the "Rambo" movies & their ripoffs put together. And if its ever revealed that Sylvester Stallone brought legal action against the film for plagiarism it would be even funnier still.7/10
