finkenus
"Solid Cover" stars former Mr. USA beefcake body builder Shane Minor as a cop who, unfortunately, wears tight jeans that restrict his ability to run and even tighter shirts that seem like they might've been stolen from the cast of "Fame". Our square-jawed slab of steak goes undercover and masquerades as a square-jawed slab of steak who works out at a local gym to solve the mysterious circumstances surrounding the poorly-staged deaths of several of the gym's hottest tramps.Several soapy showers and gut-busting work outs later, our hero finds himself in deep as he slowly (oh, ever so slowly) finds out who the murderers are. This leads him to establish a partnership with some chic who is also in deep undercover. After several tedious, exposition-filled scenes our heroes soon find themselves at the main villain's lair (which seems like the lead villain's grand parent's farm). It is here that we are treated to a poor man's version of "Die Hard" and what the DVD case refers to as "... an explosive finale you won't soon forget".What does make "Solid Cover" worth watching at least once is the level of crappyness it achieves. Like a massive car crash pile-up, you just won't be able to look away. You will see a film so horrifyingly bad that it might be worth the 97-minute effort.SEE... The police department filled with cops who look like soccer moms and librarians in their early to mid-50's.SEE... The main villain's henchmen who all wear sunglasses that go amazingly well with their two dollar white T-shirts (hey, if people are gonna get shot, it's best not to ruin good clothing and besides, blood shows up better on white).SEE... The film's "big stunt moment" when Shane Minor is thrown through a very wobbly picket fence.SEE... The big pad of paper with the words "MURDERS DEATHS FIND HIM" set up next to the doughy police chief as he enlists his department's best detectives.SEE... Shane Minor's button-up shirt disappear and reappear during the big climactic fight scenes. He runs into a barn and he's wearing it, he runs out and he's not wearing it.SEE... One of cinema's worst shots as Shane Minor attempts to fill the villain with lead, obliterating an over-turned table and completely missing him from a maximum distance of 5 feet. The worst part is that he uses a machine gun and empties the entire clip! SEE... The world's slowest climactic car chase as our heroes pursue a bad guy who has the misfortune of trying to escape in a lemon of a car.SEE... Shane Minor working out to bad pop music as the gym owner (who looks a lot like Al Pacino) approvingly nods his head.SEE... The villain's big party attended by half-a-dozen computer nerd virgins and a handful of sleazy women (two who frolic topless with the bad guy in his pool).SEE... A car explosion so lame that a Hotwheels car with a firecracker taped to it would've been more adequate.SEE... "Solid Cover" and pray that these guys never make another film again. Ever.
